NORFOLK DIALECT IN PRINT

Sidney Grapes

Sidney Grapes (the Boy John) was born in 1888, the son of a carpenter and builder at Potter Heigham in the heart of the Broads. Sidney lived all his life in the same village, and to the end of his days spoke the Norfolk dialect he had known in his boyhood. Wearing an old ‘chummy’ hat, a smock and a `wropper’, he made a name for himself as a rustic comedian at local concerts and dinners.

He is best known and remembered for the Boy John letters which he began to write to the Eastern Daily Press in 1946 and continued until his death at the age of 70 in 1958. The letters, written in the character of a countryman who wrote as he spoke and spelt as he pleased, are quoted wherever East Anglians are gathered together, and the Boy John, Granfar, Aunt Agatha and the scandalous ould Mrs. W are discussed as real and living people.

Here’s a snippet of Sidney’s humour, originally published on December 6th 1949…

Deer Sar,

Granfar he ha’ hed rumatism a rummin, an yit he allus carry a little tearter in his pokit, wus as hard as a stun now. He took nearly everything wot everybody told him, an then he got warse, so we hed the doctor. He say to Granfar: ‘Have yow dun anything four it?’ Granfar say: ‘I ha’ rubbed my leg wi’ paraffin.’ Doctor say: ‘Thas a good idea, then you want to put a match tew it.’ Howsomever, he sed he’d sen’ Granfar a bottle o’ medisen. Granfar say: ‘Wen do I tearke it?’ Doctor (who like a joke) he say: ‘Yow tearke a dose o’ that a quarter an hour afore yow feel the pains a cummin on.’

Well, he’s better now, but he took so much stuff, he dorn’t know wot did cure him. Anyhow, he wus well enuff to go to our Pusstorfice a’ tha’ Friday for his pension.
O’ corse, our Pusstorfice earn’t like yar Pusstorfice in Noridge. Yars fear to me to be a grate big bilden, wot dorn’t sell nothin only stamps an things, a proper wearst o’ covered spearce. Our Pusstorfice sell everything an’ anything, an’ on a Friday arternoon yow can hardly sturrer, wot wi’ oul earge pensioners, boxes o’ fruit an’ wegatables and hundreds o’ odds an’ inds.

Old Mrs W, she wus there, a fuleing about, an somehow she gan Granfar a little shuv, an’ he bein bad on his pins, went over backards, an that fear he got his hinder part stick inter a box o’ tomarters. Well bor, tew or tree on ’em got him up an arter sum time they got him outer that box. In the meantime, oul Mrs W, she cleared orf wi’out a waitin’ for har pension.

Granfar, he mobbed a rummin, an’ so did my Aunt Agatha when she cleaned his trousers down (they were his second best). Then she larfed. She say: ‘Well, Granfar, that might a bin warse, if they’d a bin eggs instead o’ tomarters,’ she say. ‘I knew yow were gorne to have a row when yow put yar new shews on the tearble a Tharsday mornin’.’ But, as I say, my Aunt Agatha is ever so goodnatured. She wunt hart a soul, why, she allus drown kittens in warmwater, so they shorn’t suffer.

Well, fare yer well tergather.

Yars obediently,

THE BOY JOHN.

P.S. Aunt Agatha, she say: ‘That earn’t wot yow look at, tha’s wat yow see when yow do look.’

Dear Sir,

My Grandfather has suffered with very painful rheumatism, despite always carrying a potato in his pocket which has become as hard as a stone. He has taken lots of remedies recommended by others to no avail so recently he has been to see his Doctor. The Doctor asked him if he had tried anything to ease the pain? to which my Grandfather replied that he had rubbed paraffin into his leg. The Doctor jokingly suggested that my Grandfather might like to set fire to the paraffin with a match for all the good it would do.

However, he gave Grandfather a prescription for some medicine. Grandfather asked ‘how often should I take it?’ to which the Doctor (who liked to joke) said ‘Take one dose around 15 minutes before you feel any pain’.

Grandfather is much better now, but he had taken so many different remedies recommended to him, he didn’t really know which had helped.  Thankfully, he was well enough to go to the local Post Office on Friday to collect his pension.  Our local Post Office is very different from the Post Office in Norwich which seems to me to be a very large building that appears to sell stamps and not much else, a waste of space in my opinion. Our local Post Office sells everything and anything, and on a Friday afternoon it is so busy with older people collecting their pensions you can hardly move between the aisles of fruit, vegetables and various ‘odds and ends’ therein.

Mrs W was there fooling around and somehow she managed to bump into Grandfather who, being a little unsteady on his feet, fell over backwards into a box of tomatoes. After several attempts, two or three people in the shop managed to lift him back up out of the box, but in the meatime Mrs W had left the building without even collecting her pension.

Grandfather was very annoyed, as was Aunt Agatha when she cleaned his trousers (they were his second best). Then she laughed and said ‘Well, Grandfather, that could have been a lot worse, what if they had been eggs and not tomatoes!’

”On Thursday morning I knew that this week you were going to get into a mess, when you put your new shoes on the table.’

Aunt Agatha is very good natured – she would not hurt a soul. She even drowns kittens in warm water, so that they don’t suffer unnecessarily.

Farewell my friends,

Yours obediently,

THE BOY JOHN.

P.S. My Aunt Agatha says: ‘It’s not what you look at that causes problems, it’s what you see when you look.’

Each letter finished with Aunt Agatha’s words of wisdom, prefaced by ‘She say‘. Below are more examples of the great man’s Norfolk wit.

A book of the letters is still in print, published by the Mousehold Press,  and is available through their website or other online bookstores. More information about Sidney Grapes can be found on the Literary Norfolk website. Keith Skipper also paid tribute to the great man in the Eastern Daily Press in 2018, on the 60th anniversary of his death.

AUNT AGATHA,  SHE SAY…

  • Tha’s no good a putten yer foot down if yew hearnt got a leg to stan’ orn.
  • Never hit a man when he’s down he might get up agin.
  • Reality is wen yew leave dutty dishes in the sink and them beggars are still there wen yew git hum.
  • That earn’t wot gals know nowadays wot bother their parents, tha’s how they found out.
  • Troubles are like bearbies, the more yow narse ’em, the bigger they grow.

  • Just becos we’re gorne to hev an extra ounce o’ bearcon, dorn’t buy a bigger fryin pan – not yit.
  • Yew dorn’t help people if yew do for them wot they should be a doin for their selves.
  • Wen yew weigh up people yew wanter watch not only wot they do, but also wot they dorn’t do.
  • There’s only one thing wuss than bein’ torked about. Tha’s not bein’ torked about.
  • Many a woman has lorst a good sweetheart by a marryin’ on him.
  • Allus teark pride in yerself. If yew are poor, dornt look poor.
  • She’s a werry wise woman wot say nothen at the right time.
  • She’s werry glad she wornt born afore tea wus invented.
  • ‘Pay as yew go’ is a good motter, an’ if yew can’t pay, well – dornt go!
  • A man can be a fule an’ not know it – but not if he’s married.
  • Yew can mearke many a false step by standen still.
  • Marriage is a fine institution for them wot like institutions.
  • Yew can do wot yew want, if yew dornt think yew can’t.
  • Some men git wot they deserve, others remain single.
  • Give a present an’ forget it. Receive one an’ never forget.
  • Yew can always tell a Norfolk man. But yew can’t tell ‘im much.
  • It’s a pity we can’t live in the past. It would be so much cheaper.
  • If a woman wants to spend a few minutes on her own, she only needs to start washin’ up.
  • Trust no memory, however bright. Put it down in black and white.
  • The more yew say, the less people remember.
  • Tha’s wot we larn arter we think we know, wot count.
  • If yew are hard up, do without a few things yar grandparents never dreamt about.
  • It’s good to change yar mind now and agin – it keeps ut clean.
  • Don’t feel sorry for yarself. Feel sorry for those who hatter live with yer.
  • Helpful people are always the most hopeful.
  • The cost o’ livin is always about the same – all you’ve got!
  • A man who can’t smile, shoon’t keep a shop.
  • That earn’t how much medicine we take in life; tha’s wot good that du us wot count.
  • Chutchyards are full o’ people the world coont do without.
  • A woman can’t keep a secret unless she gits a few friends to help her.
  • Tact is mearkin yer compnay feel at hum, even though yew wish they were.
  • I dorn’t like to repeat gossip, but wot else can yew do with ut?
  • It dorn’t matter wot happens, there’s always someone wot knew it would.
  • Kindness is one thing yew can’t give away, it always comes back.
  • Other people’s faults are like car headlights, they seem more glarin’ than our own.
  • A secret is suffen yew tell one person – at a time.
  • If women know so much why do they ask so many questions?
  • Women love the simple things in life – MEN
  • Work is a cure for grumblin’. Even a mule can’t kick when he’s a pullin’.

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